The New Year

Now listening to "This is Your Life"--The Killers

People ask me if I have changed over this past year. I think I have. I feel a lot better than I did at the end of last year. My attitude is better, and so is my outlook on life. Last year, I had my heart broken. So for a long time, I was really cynical, and really bitter. I had closed myself off from EVERYBODY--to an extent, that technically started in 2007, but it carried through for a while... I finally managed to break myself of that, for the most part. Then my uncle died, really unexpectedly, at the end of March. That was really hard for me, because it was so unexpected. He was really overweight, so he probably had high blood pressure and stuff--they said that his blood vessels were really thick with plaque, which is why he had the stroke. But it was frightening for me because he's only a year or so older than my dad. I assumed he would be around for a long time, and suddenly, in three days he was gone. For Christmas last year, he and my aunt sent me a $100 gift card for Gap--I bought a bunch of stuff I really love. My mom kept bugging me about sending him a thank you note or something for the present. I was going to send him an email with pictures of the stuff I bought. But I never did, and then suddenly he was gone... That was a real eye-opener, because I realized just how fragile life is, and how precious. My uncle dying--well, that could have just as easily been my dad. And what would my life be like now? He left behind a wife and two kids, age 8 and 10. It makes me so sad to think of the kind of life they'll have without their dad--his daughter won't have him to walk her down the aisle or scold her for wearing skimpy clothes and trying to go out, his son won't be able to ask him for girl advice, or spend father-son time learning how to do new things that his mom doesn't care about. I remember getting mad at several people just after that, because they didn't appreciate what they had... I just, hated hearing people bitch about petty things, when life is so fleeting. I guess that kinda taught me not to sweat the small stuff. And because of this, I learned to watch what I say about people. I may express frustration or dislike at what a person DOES, but I'm WAY more careful about saying "I hate this person", especially when I'm talking about my parents. Because nobody lives forever. Life ends in death--that's just the way it is... Then, over spring break, I told someone who had feelings for me for a very long time that there wasn't a chance, he needed to move on. That was significant. I feel so horrible about it now... God, I was like, dead inside... In May, we took the AP exam and got 5s. :D That was good. And then Souplantation afterwards... My friends and I went to dinner, and it just happened to be "Be Sexually Inappropriate with your Friends Day." We just sat around telling inappropriate jokes. And the boys attacked each other with sprinkles...it was SO bad, haha. XD I don't think we would be allowed into that particular Souplantation together ever again--we've got a black mark, I think; the management would throw us out the second they saw us... After that, I could finally let go and calm down. My stress was very much relieved--for a few weeks, I was crying night after night because I felt so overwhelmed (which is REALLY bad--I NEVER cry, EVER). And I have to thank a friend of mine for inviting the boy I had been avoiding to sit with us. At first, I felt like it was going to be awkward. But it wasn't. I finally talked to him again. I realized that I had been avoiding him, and I realized how stupid I had been. He was always one of my best friends, and I didn't know how much I had missed him until we got to be tight again. I had made it pretty clear that I didn't want to date him over spring break, but we decided that we would be confidantes, and give each other relationship advice and stuff. That was definitely a step in the right direction. A short while later (June, I think) he told me that he had a crush on another girl, and I told him that I liked another boy. (We're both still somewhat ashamed of this time period, although we agree that it needed to happen.) The significant part I think was the school year. The end of last year's school year was like, a chance for me to start over. I acknowledged that sophomore year had been AWFUL--the worst year of my life since fourth grade. But at the same time, I vowed to make the next year better. I went to New York this summer. It was fun to get out of town--I really needed to travel. If you never go anywhere far away, you never really appreciate how much you love being home... I got to see a lot of my family that I hadn't seen in almost five years. It was really nice. I learned things about my family, living and deceased, and realized that I do have it pretty good. There are some awful things that have happened in my extended family, and overall, I'm really lucky. Also, I decided that I want a dog XD. And while I was there, I figured out for myself that I had feelings for the same guy I had pretty much eliminated any chance of a relationship with. I was pretty angsty, but I felt like I deserved to be unrequited for a while. I mean, TWO MONTHS after I told him that he didn't have a chance and needed to move on, I decide that I have a crush on him? I felt SO stupid... And yet, I never really wanted to make myself move on. I knew that I had probably hurt him a LOT. I felt like he had wasted a lot of time on me. So I deserved to feel unhappy, because it was probably only a FRACTION of what he had been going through for years. When I got back, I told him how I felt. And it took about a month for him to sort out his feelings and then decide yes, he DID want to be with me. I can't believe that it worked out, but it did. We've been boyfriend/girlfriend for almost 5 months now. =] The begininning of this year was hard. But August to the end of the year was wonderful. Being in love, and knowing that you are equally loved, makes every part of life easier to bear. I have someone that I trust completely, and tell absolutely everything to. I can vent, I can joke, I can tease, I can laugh, I can cry, I can be completely serious. I can be ANYTHING, because I know that he'll accept me and love me just the same. I read in a book the other day that love is only good when you have faith in it, when you believe that it's going to work out. And I do have faith in this. I didn't have faith in anything, for a long time. Now I do. That is, I think, the biggest change. Over the past year, I have learned the value of life, optimism, patience, and love. I learned to tell the people I care about how much I appreciate them NOW instead of later. I learned not to put off the things that are important (I'm still working on this one...). And I gained a new belief in karma--even if things are bad now, if you can suffer through it all, things WILL be better. 2008 is proof of that. I look forward to everything that this year will bring. Happy New Years, one and all.