I Keep Thinking

I don't want time to move forward because every day forward puts more time between me and the past. I don't want to move forward because the more I move forward the farther they get from me and the farther I get from them. I've been so good about being optimistic and being supportive of everyone who needs me but I have bad thoughts too and I don't know if I want to be consoled or not.

In Steel Magnolias, I play M'Lynn, a mother whose wonderful daughter dies young. In the last scene, I have to grieve. I have to be angry, I have to be broken-hearted, I have to be in denial. I dread doing that scene because I have to face raw emotion and put myself through the pain of losing someone. I have to open myself up to everyone and put myself through those emotions OVER and OVER and OVER. Every time I do that scene. My director told me that she hates to ask me to use what's going on to fuel me, and doesn't WANT to ask me to use it, but she said if I need to, I can and I should. For me, it's physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. I have never found acting to be so hard.

I saw Mr. King and Chelsea's little brother in the doughnut shop this morning. They both just looked sad. I almost gave Mr. King a hug. I wish I had.

I keep having dreams about missing posters.

I'm not over it yet.