(Love) Letters

While I was writing in my new "Memory Book," I went looking for a paper I wrote sophomore year because it had some things I wanted to include. While looking for the paper, I uncovered a bunch of letters from my ex boyfriend.

I started reading.

I feel like, being the same age as he was when he wrote them, I understand him and our relationship (just as friends, not even as we were dating) a lot better. He wasn't liked by very many people. He was abrasive. He was actually sort of pitiful. He complained a lot and he was kind of a smartass. But he confided things in me that he didn't tell anyone else because he didn't trust anyone else like he trusted me. He asked my advice, and he shared his thoughts with me. I looked up to him and I was kind of amazed that he was even interested in me. I've said this before, but I think he needed me a LOT more than I needed him. I didn't understand why he was so attached to me before, but now I see that he needed someone, and I happened to be there, and we happened to "click". He wrote me letters just about what he was thinking, and I read them and responded well, which I guess was kind of unique. I'm so passive and accepting (and I was even moreso during freshman year than I am today), I didn't have a problem with him at all. He entertained me, I was fond of his "quirks".

I call what I have in my box love letters, although other people might not define them as such. I think he loved that I would listen and appreciate his opinion, and was in love with the idea of having someone--maybe not so much in love with me. Maybe he was in love with me for being willing to be with him. I don't think now that I was in love with him, although I thought it then. That love was different, SO different from what I have now. It was thrilling, because in a way, it was forbidden and taboo. It was wistful and yearning--rather like Romeo and Juliet. I remember reading New Moon a few months after we split, and connecting with Bella. The passage that struck me most was when SHE was thinking about Romeo and Juliet: "What if Paris was Juliet's best friend? What if Romeo wasn't coming back? Could Juliet be happy with Paris? Could she learn to love him, in a different way than she loved Romeo?"

I hate comparing my life to that now, because I'm SO happy now--Michael is in NO way my second choice. He's absolutely perfectly right for me. The love I feel right now is so concrete I can't imagine anything else. Maybe it's just because this relationship is accepted and approved, not hidden. Like in A Walk to Remeber, "Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."It's not a roller coaster of emotion like what I had before. It's so different, and so much better.

But I'm not bitter. Those letters are all that's left of that relationship, which helped me grow up a LOT. And I don't miss it. I just think it's good to remember. And to understand.

Memories

So I made a decision today. I'm going to carry around a notepad everywhere and write down all the funny stuff that happens in my life. Cuz a LOT of funny shit happens in my life. I've always been pretty good about recording funny quotes and anecdotes, but we all forget stuff. Especially me.

My brother and I were talking about this and he said that he could totally picture a sitcom about me and Michael as newlyweds. I didn't even think we needed to be newlyweds, just living together. Actually, not even living together, just LIVING. It'd be hilarious. My Life according to Emma. True story.

Cast List

So the cast list was posted for The Taming of The Shrew today. Here were some of the responses:

"Today was my first really bad day at Poway High. Not too bad seeing as I've been going there for over a year :) :) :)"

"Not gonna lie, the cast list is a joke. You did amazing and Swan screwed up big time making some people leads and not others"

"I've never seen such a god awful casting in my life!"

"THE WORST EVER. FUCK SWAN"

"Sorry, but brother and sister acting as lovers is bullshit...I do feel bad for them because that is flat out awkward and embarassing..."

"Well, I guess today was an overall crappy day for most people, but we've got a loveeeelyy three day weekend ahead of us, and quite honestly, I don't care that I'm only ensemble in the play. I love my Theatre Guild family and I don't care how many lines I do and don't have. :)"

"hahaha you are going to be in the most controversial play of your lifeee... do you not see everyone's reaction?! it's insane"

"Everyone hates the cast list and wants to drop out"

"I'm gonna cry. I TOLD you it shouldn't have been me! Everyone is cast wrong though so obviously everyone includes me. :((((((((( I'm approx. 5 min away from tears"

"Can we make an 'I hate Swan' group?"
"Yes... I'm getting a group to boycott the show...my stepmom approves...also we're trying to get Swan for discrimination"
"YES YES YES"

"I have no comment about the cast list. I love everyone in Theatre Guild whether you got an ensemble or a lead, and that's never going to change"

"Okay theatre people, you are all so amazing and even if you guys didn't get the part you wanted or you don't like the cast list, this show is still going to be so much fun and so great! I love you all and please do not get upset over one show. It will all turn out good."

"Hahaha I love the theatre drama!!! What good fun!"

"I know I'm going to open myself up to 'you-got-a-lead-shut-up' comments here, but damn-- the casting for Shrew was horrendous, some REALLY good people got shut out"

"I would like everyone who's unhappy with the casting to remember that there were sooo many amazing people who auditioned, and it's incredibly hard to narrow it down. Disappointment is inevitable, but please try to be understanding. I'm really sorry to all those who didn't get the part they wanted :( You were awesome too!"

"Everyone has to deal with what they have, it's just a high school play!"
"In life, shit happens."
"AGREED."

Now let me give you my response.
I feel awful about all the negativity regarding the cast list. It's REALLY sad that people are dropping and even threatening to boycott because they didn't get the parts they wanted. Come on people. This is a high school play. Everyone gets shafted at some point. I did last year, along with most of the other juniors. A lot of the juniors got shafted this year too, who are really REALLY talented. Yes, they probably deserved better parts, but there's nothing to be done about that now. Whether or not they continue on and have two more successful years depends on the attitude they take in regards to THIS play. You can either be bitter and quit, or you can put on a happy face and suck it up, because THAT gets you brownie points for future productions.

There are TONS of new people this year who have never done productions with Poway before. If the people who are the most talented and most looked up to in the theatre drop, how is that going to look for all of them? It's a horrible example! They'll be trained to be primadonnas for the next four years, and they'll train the generations to come in the same way.

I feel bad telling people to suck it up and stop complaining because this year I DO have a part and I am happy with what happened to me. But I was in the EXACT same boat as the people who are complaining this year, and I didn't complain like that. Insulting the cast list is insulting the people who got cast--yeah, you probably don't agree with some things, but it's still hurtful. This play is still going to be SO fun. The minor characters and the ensemble actors MAKE THE PLAY. The costumes are going to be fantastic, the scenery is going to be fantastic, and there are TONS of small parts with lines that haven't been cast yet. And people, please--insulting the director is only a negative reflection on yourself.