To Do List

I have a lot to do. But I'm motivated to do it.

1. I need to make flashcards for vocab words for SAT Prep Class (I got a 2025 on my diagnostic test!!! And a 10 out of 10 on my essay!!!!!!) I feel like this is REALLY important for me to do well, because my GPA is less competitive than some... I REALLY want to go to Harvey Mudd, which is REALLY hard to get into (It's a bit easier for me, since I'm a girl whose parents didn't go to college, but still.) I feel that a VERY high SAT score will make me more competitive (at least ALMOST in league with other people who will apply there. And ALMOST in league with all my asian friends). I am taking the SAT on March 14th, and I STILL NEED TO SIGN UP FOR IT (I can't forget. That would be bad.)

2. I need to make sure that every homework assignment gets DONE. I ended up finishing the semester with 2 A's (in the classes I don't have homework in, big surprise) and 4 B's (although my Physics grade DID get bumped up to an A, bringing my end of semester GPA to 3.83. Fine, fine, 3 A's, 3 B's.) But in EVERY CLASS, I got an A on my final! Content is not my problem in any of my classes (at least, I've proven that I can memorize in time for an exam and kinda learn the material for real later). My problem is work habits. If I had done every homework assignment in math, I would have had an A, because that would have given me at LEAST three extra percent--enough to get my grade up to an A. Homework has KILLED me this entire sememster, so I'm going to make a tremendous effort to get it all done. (It's funny because I still have homework to do and I'm writing this... Guess this lesson is slow in coming)

3. I need to get my permit and learn how to drive. If I get my permit this month I could have my license by the end of this summer. I did my part on this one--I finished driver's ed in NOVEMBER. But despite my pestering, behind the wheel classes STILL have not been paid for. Therefore, I can't get my permit. (Hopefully, this will be set right tomrrow). It's an embarassment for me to still not be driving, when I could have started over a year and a half ago. The time has come. It can't wait any longer. My mom and dad are seriously considering buying another car and next year letting my brother and I drive ourselves to school (provided I get my license, of course). My scheduling plans are evolving rapidly (I'm thinking of taking two off rolls and having a night school class) and this could require me to be able to drive myself. It would just be SO much easier! I can't be dependent on my parents forever, and it would be prudent for me to start relying on myself for transportation SOONER rather than later.

4. I have to investigate my potential classes for next ear by talking to the teahers who teach the courses I want to take. That means AP Physics (COB, who I already know and love), AP Lit (Graber, who I know is amazing), AP Gov (Flanagan--I need to hear about the course work for this class), AP Calc A/B (there's no opting out of this class, I just need to hear what I'm in for), and possibly AP Spanish (I DEFINITELY need to explore some alternatives with community college). And maybe I'll go in and talk to my councilor. I think she likes me. :)

5. I need to take the computer literacy test to avoid having to take Intro To Computers in summer school.

6. I need to memorize my lines for The Glass Menagerie. I'm almost done, about 80% of my lines I've got down pat. Work, work, work...

7. I need to write the essays for the application to Harvey Mudd's Spring FAST program. The program is completely free and offered to juniors in order to become familiar with the campus, the programs, the classes, the admissions process, etc. But I DO have to fill out the application, and a part of the application is two personal essays, reminiscent of actual college applications. In trying to think about what I'm going to write, I've been trying to figure out, "Who am I? What are specific personality traits that colleges should know about me (and that will help me get into the schools I want)?" The reason why I'm allowing myself to write this right now, instead of say, finishing homework, taking a shower, or going to bed (all of which I'll have to do shortly), is because I need to give myself a chance to let some writing just come out and see what I want to focus on in my essays. Writing my essays for this application WILL benefit me in the long run, I think, because it will allow me to practice for the REAL THING--that is, college applications. What have I discovered about myself lately? I can set goals for myself. I am lazu when it comes to doing work that I find dull. I'm WAY smarter than I give myeslf credit for. I tell myself very often that I'm being unrealistic (I have yet to determine whether or not this frequent judgement is unfounded or accurate). I'm logical and rational. I don't take big things, like life, for granted. I'm hardworking. I'm vain. And I have a great capacity for love. I'm still struggling with a few concepts, though, still trying to iron out the kinks in my personality. I have to keep telling myself that I'm more than just a number, a test score, a GPA. I can't afford to slack off right now, because my choices TODAY will affect the next 5 or more years of my life. Sometimes things DO work out, however unrealistic the outcome might seem at first glance. And ultimately, I shouldn't worry too much, because I really DO have things going pretty well for me right now.

Uncle Jimmy

This is an entry I wrote in my diary, almost a year ago. No one has ever read it but me. I felt that because it contains me at my most trying time, it would be good for people close to me to read it--if for nothing else, to understand why I might have acted the way I did around this time. Not one word has been changed, no commas added or hyphens removed. A few of my comments may have been biting or harsh; I was having a hard time, and didn't understand some things that I do now. But all of these perspectives still stand.



Today is Sunday, March 30th, 2008. On Wednewday, March 26th, at around noon, my favorite uncle and godfather had a stroke. On Friday, March 28th, at around five thirty in the evening, he died. Today, at around nine thirty-five at night, I am feeling this tremendous loss.

For me, the worst part is how unexpected it was. Uncle Jimmy was so goofy, so fun, so full of life, that I felt sure that he would be around forever. I couldn't imagine life without him, because for so lone he had always been just a phone call away. I took for granted that he would be there at my wedding, watching me walk down the aisle. He had such a big, wonderful personality, it seemed like he was invincible. And yet, on Wednesday, he went to work in the morning and never came home. That morning was the last time he ever talked to his kids, and probably to his wife. When was the last time any of his sisters had spoken to him? Or his brothers? Or his cousins? Or his best friend? Each one had probably ended their conversation with "We'll see you soon!" or "I'll talk to you later!" Certainly none of them had expected it to be the last time.

But no one did! Wednesday had probably been just like any other day! He was overweight and at risk for health problems but he wasn't sick! Their family had plans for building a house! He had a list of weekend projects that he wanted to do! He wasn't supposed to die when he had so much to live for!

And now look at what's left. A widowed mother with two elementary school age kids. Two kids who will have to grow up without a dad! Forget my weddind, his little girl won't have someone to walk her down the aisle, or to stare down her boyfriend or yell at her to change because she's not leaving the house in that! His little boy will miss out on all the special guy time, like playing catch in the backyard or getting the talk about what it means to be a man! I feel so, so sorry for those kids. And those weekend projects will never get done. They won't see him soon or talk to him later. It's a life cut short, every possibility gone, just gone.

And I keep thinking, who's next? Aunt Susie, the one who lets everyone know when something like this happens? Aunt Mary, my godmother? They're probably both healthier than he was, but they're also older... Maybe my Uncle Scott, who's had quite a lot of problems lately. It's so frightening to think about, because these people are such a solid foundation in our lives. What happened to Uncle Jimmy could have just as easily been my dad. What if he was mad at me one morning for not leaving him any hot water for his shower and then stormed off to work and had a stroke? What if I never ot the chance to say I was sorry, and he neer got the chance to tell me that he wasn't really mad? These things can happen so fast, so unexpectedly. What if we never told someone we loved that we loved them? What if we ended up living with that regret for the rest of our lives?

People complain about the stupidest things. I hear people whining that they're tired because they stayed out all day having fun with their friends, or that they went halfway across the country to go to an amusement park but it was really boring and the highlight of their trip was watching a movie on someone's iPod. We say all the time that our families are pissing us off for whatever reason. But would we really prefer not to have them at all?

No one is immortal. Nothing should be taken for granted. Because in a second it could all be gone.

I'll miss you, Uncle Jimmy.

The New Year

Now listening to "This is Your Life"--The Killers

People ask me if I have changed over this past year. I think I have. I feel a lot better than I did at the end of last year. My attitude is better, and so is my outlook on life. Last year, I had my heart broken. So for a long time, I was really cynical, and really bitter. I had closed myself off from EVERYBODY--to an extent, that technically started in 2007, but it carried through for a while... I finally managed to break myself of that, for the most part. Then my uncle died, really unexpectedly, at the end of March. That was really hard for me, because it was so unexpected. He was really overweight, so he probably had high blood pressure and stuff--they said that his blood vessels were really thick with plaque, which is why he had the stroke. But it was frightening for me because he's only a year or so older than my dad. I assumed he would be around for a long time, and suddenly, in three days he was gone. For Christmas last year, he and my aunt sent me a $100 gift card for Gap--I bought a bunch of stuff I really love. My mom kept bugging me about sending him a thank you note or something for the present. I was going to send him an email with pictures of the stuff I bought. But I never did, and then suddenly he was gone... That was a real eye-opener, because I realized just how fragile life is, and how precious. My uncle dying--well, that could have just as easily been my dad. And what would my life be like now? He left behind a wife and two kids, age 8 and 10. It makes me so sad to think of the kind of life they'll have without their dad--his daughter won't have him to walk her down the aisle or scold her for wearing skimpy clothes and trying to go out, his son won't be able to ask him for girl advice, or spend father-son time learning how to do new things that his mom doesn't care about. I remember getting mad at several people just after that, because they didn't appreciate what they had... I just, hated hearing people bitch about petty things, when life is so fleeting. I guess that kinda taught me not to sweat the small stuff. And because of this, I learned to watch what I say about people. I may express frustration or dislike at what a person DOES, but I'm WAY more careful about saying "I hate this person", especially when I'm talking about my parents. Because nobody lives forever. Life ends in death--that's just the way it is... Then, over spring break, I told someone who had feelings for me for a very long time that there wasn't a chance, he needed to move on. That was significant. I feel so horrible about it now... God, I was like, dead inside... In May, we took the AP exam and got 5s. :D That was good. And then Souplantation afterwards... My friends and I went to dinner, and it just happened to be "Be Sexually Inappropriate with your Friends Day." We just sat around telling inappropriate jokes. And the boys attacked each other with sprinkles...it was SO bad, haha. XD I don't think we would be allowed into that particular Souplantation together ever again--we've got a black mark, I think; the management would throw us out the second they saw us... After that, I could finally let go and calm down. My stress was very much relieved--for a few weeks, I was crying night after night because I felt so overwhelmed (which is REALLY bad--I NEVER cry, EVER). And I have to thank a friend of mine for inviting the boy I had been avoiding to sit with us. At first, I felt like it was going to be awkward. But it wasn't. I finally talked to him again. I realized that I had been avoiding him, and I realized how stupid I had been. He was always one of my best friends, and I didn't know how much I had missed him until we got to be tight again. I had made it pretty clear that I didn't want to date him over spring break, but we decided that we would be confidantes, and give each other relationship advice and stuff. That was definitely a step in the right direction. A short while later (June, I think) he told me that he had a crush on another girl, and I told him that I liked another boy. (We're both still somewhat ashamed of this time period, although we agree that it needed to happen.) The significant part I think was the school year. The end of last year's school year was like, a chance for me to start over. I acknowledged that sophomore year had been AWFUL--the worst year of my life since fourth grade. But at the same time, I vowed to make the next year better. I went to New York this summer. It was fun to get out of town--I really needed to travel. If you never go anywhere far away, you never really appreciate how much you love being home... I got to see a lot of my family that I hadn't seen in almost five years. It was really nice. I learned things about my family, living and deceased, and realized that I do have it pretty good. There are some awful things that have happened in my extended family, and overall, I'm really lucky. Also, I decided that I want a dog XD. And while I was there, I figured out for myself that I had feelings for the same guy I had pretty much eliminated any chance of a relationship with. I was pretty angsty, but I felt like I deserved to be unrequited for a while. I mean, TWO MONTHS after I told him that he didn't have a chance and needed to move on, I decide that I have a crush on him? I felt SO stupid... And yet, I never really wanted to make myself move on. I knew that I had probably hurt him a LOT. I felt like he had wasted a lot of time on me. So I deserved to feel unhappy, because it was probably only a FRACTION of what he had been going through for years. When I got back, I told him how I felt. And it took about a month for him to sort out his feelings and then decide yes, he DID want to be with me. I can't believe that it worked out, but it did. We've been boyfriend/girlfriend for almost 5 months now. =] The begininning of this year was hard. But August to the end of the year was wonderful. Being in love, and knowing that you are equally loved, makes every part of life easier to bear. I have someone that I trust completely, and tell absolutely everything to. I can vent, I can joke, I can tease, I can laugh, I can cry, I can be completely serious. I can be ANYTHING, because I know that he'll accept me and love me just the same. I read in a book the other day that love is only good when you have faith in it, when you believe that it's going to work out. And I do have faith in this. I didn't have faith in anything, for a long time. Now I do. That is, I think, the biggest change. Over the past year, I have learned the value of life, optimism, patience, and love. I learned to tell the people I care about how much I appreciate them NOW instead of later. I learned not to put off the things that are important (I'm still working on this one...). And I gained a new belief in karma--even if things are bad now, if you can suffer through it all, things WILL be better. 2008 is proof of that. I look forward to everything that this year will bring. Happy New Years, one and all.