Chapter Closed.

Sigh of relief.

A-Team and Ice Cream

Frosh team beat MC, but the rest of us lost, by a large margin. We lost by more than 69 (I think it was about 90 points). The questions were hard and the ones we DID know they beat us to answering.

But it was SO fun. I am amazed by the extraordinary variety of music on Parker's iPod, and the fact that he seems to remember the lyrics for EVERY song. Varsity rocked it in the back of the bus and made fun of my dearest mountain goat for stripping (it was NOT stripping...but it was still funny). We danced in the lunch area on the foreign campus and eyed the opposition from afar. When Vanilla Twilight came on, we sat quietly and smiled. I had my dinosaur quilt wrapped around my shoulders, and just before our match, we took our last warm up jog, then walked like BAMFs to the room where the competition was being held.

After the game, I shook hands with people with my right hand, then turned around and shook with my left. We got back on the bus and flailed around a battery operated glowstick like we were at a rave. We blasted Every Time We Touch and sang the Alma Mater. Back at school, I suggested that we go to In the Mix for frozen yogurt and so off we went, blasting Journey with open windows (and open arms). In the Mix was closed, so we headed across the street for Baskin Robbins, and after getting our ice cream, we walked into the amphitheatre and had harmless teenage shenanigans.

While I was there, I thought, "This is my life. This is my senior year. These are my friends. I am so greatful."

I love you guys. :)

Catharsis

Today's performance was catharsis for me. The show was rocky throughout a lot of it, and we were timid up until the end. Then I had my speech. I couldn't stop thinking about Mrs. King and what she said at the memorial yesterday. I screamed and cried, and my heart hurt. Today was the most real emotion I have shown thus far.

But after the performance, I felt better.

And when I drove down Espola, past Poway High, I saw sunflowers and blue ribbons, and I smiled.

Spring Awakening

I just found my CD and listened to it for the first time in months. I missed that music.

Those you’ve known and lost, still walk behind you--all alone, they linger till they find you--Without them, the world grows dark around you--And nothing is the same until you know that they have found you. ~SPRING AWAKENING~

I Keep Thinking

I don't want time to move forward because every day forward puts more time between me and the past. I don't want to move forward because the more I move forward the farther they get from me and the farther I get from them. I've been so good about being optimistic and being supportive of everyone who needs me but I have bad thoughts too and I don't know if I want to be consoled or not.

In Steel Magnolias, I play M'Lynn, a mother whose wonderful daughter dies young. In the last scene, I have to grieve. I have to be angry, I have to be broken-hearted, I have to be in denial. I dread doing that scene because I have to face raw emotion and put myself through the pain of losing someone. I have to open myself up to everyone and put myself through those emotions OVER and OVER and OVER. Every time I do that scene. My director told me that she hates to ask me to use what's going on to fuel me, and doesn't WANT to ask me to use it, but she said if I need to, I can and I should. For me, it's physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. I have never found acting to be so hard.

I saw Mr. King and Chelsea's little brother in the doughnut shop this morning. They both just looked sad. I almost gave Mr. King a hug. I wish I had.

I keep having dreams about missing posters.

I'm not over it yet.