2009 Wrap up

2009: In the Beginning
Where did you bring in the New Year? my guest bedroom
Who were you with? Katelyn and Emily
Did you kiss anyone at midnight? hehe yup XD
Did you make any resolutions? I don't remember...Tells you something, doesn't it?

Last year I had a slumber party with Katelyn and Emily. We stayed up late socializing, gossipping, discussing...Plus drinking Martinelli's. Then we watched V for Vendetta and I fell asleep at 2am. :)
Emily and I have grown a lot closer over this past year. She has been one of the first people I vented to, and she was always there to commiserate about theatre, which is not as fun as it used to be. I would not still be involved in it if it weren't for her. I would not still be SANE, probably, if it were not for her.

2009: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone? No
Did you get anything for Valentine’s day? Yes
Did you meet anyone special? No
Did you fall in love? Only a little more than I already was. :)

Michael and I have been together for nearly a year and a half, and we've only gotten closer. With all of the anxiety of college applications and not knowing where we're going to be next year, it has been somewhat stressful. We want to major in the same thing, but we're looking for very different things in a college. We've snapped at each other about it at points, but we've finally realized that we may not--and probably will not--go to the same school, and that it's okay. Our entire relationship has been "long distance" since we haven't been at the same school since eighth grade. We've learned to deal with it, and we've realized that we CAN do it again. We love each other enough that we're willing to make the effort to make a longer distance relationship work. Coming to that resolution has brought me a lot of peace. Going to college does not mean losing the best thing in my life.

2009: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year? Yes
Did any of your friendships end? Kind of?
Did you dislike anyone? Yes
Did you make any new enemies? Yes
Did you resolve any fights? Yes
Who was your closest friend? oh there were a bunch. :)
Who did you grow apart from? Sarah
Do you have any regrets when it comes to your friendships? Yes

Overall, I grew a lot closer to a lot of people. Some old friends grew more distant because of character flaws that have just gotten TOO old, but some newer friends became "soul sisters!" because we are actually so much alike. I have gotten to a point where I look around at my friends and think, "The people I associate myself with are SO awesome."

2009: Your birthday
Did you have a cake? No I had a birthday apple pie!!! :) But not on my birthday.
What did you do for your birthday? I was in Los Angeles
Did you have a party? Nope. :/
Did you get any presents? Yes, but not on my birthday.
If so what was the best thing you got? Business clothes.

On my birthday, I was staying at UCLA for the National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. This conference was not what I expected. I went because medicine had always been a "backup" career field for me, and I wanted to know more about the (LITERALLY) hundreds of jobs associated with the medical field. It was a disappointment to find out that the only thing we talked about the ENTIRE time was becoming a physician. But I DID realize that becoming a doctor is not for me, and it helped to focus me on my goal of majoring in business and becoming an entrepreneur. Finally, I have a goal and a focus. I know what I want to do with my life, and it FINALLY makes sense for who I am.

2009: All about you
Did you change at all this year? I think so. I completely grew out of my bitterness and became optimistic once more. :)
Did you dye your hair? Not yet... :(
Did you get your hair cut? Yes
Did you change your style? A little!
Were you in school? Yes
Did you get good grades? They weren't BAD...
Did you have a job? Yup, got my first (2)!
Do you drive? Yes, got my license! :)
Did you own a car? Yes, got my first car! :D
Did anyone close to you gave birth? ...No.
Did you move at all? Yes?
Did you go on any vacations? Not really, but I went to a conference.
Would you change anything about yourself now? Most definitely

I've learned a lot about myself this year. There were a lot fewer moments where I didn't like who I was as a person than in years past, which is an improvement. There are a few things that still need work, I won't deny it. But I AM in a good place right now.

2009: Wrap Up
Is 2009 a good year? I think so.
Did 2009 bring any new insights? Yes
Do you think 2010 will top 2009? Most definitely.

I made my last wish of 2009 at 11:11pm. May all your wishes for 2010 come true.
Happy New Year.

~Emma

Saw You

down an aisle in
a crowded store--
Double, triple take
my breath away and you
threw me off
balance.

You look different.
You're taller and your
hair is long.

Then again, my
hair is short and
I have aged.

Thoughts swelled to words
like helium balloons
that rose in my throat,
choking me to silence.

Emotions came back and
flushed my face and
made my heart beat
fast and loud and ragged.

So many things I could say
to you but

I fled.

Because I couldn't trust myself
To tell you that I'm okay
but I don't want you back in my life.

Like a fox from the familiar
bay of a hound
I fled from your voice,
too cowardly to say
I'm sorry that
You've suffered over
me.

I could have walked right up
And looked into your eyes
and said "Forgive me but
don't miss me
Because we know it's better this
way and I'm suffering to
know you're hurting and I've
hurt you and I
want it all to
Stop.
You're a chapter in my life
I want to close. You're not in
the end of the story so
Stop flipping through the time-
worn pages.
Don't dwell on me.
Please.
Be okay so I can be okay--
Please."

But I fled
around the corner,
hands shaking and worried brow,
avoiding confrontation,
hoping you hadn't seen me and
sneaking glances until I saw
that you had gone.

Then I realized--
I should have looked up
With a friendly glance between familiar strangers,
Smiled, said Hello,
And walked away.

Fanboys

This movie is frickin cute. :) It's incredibly funny for nerds everywhere, but you can appreciate the movie even if you only have a casual understanding of Star Wars (and the hatred that Star Wars fans have for Trekkies...). After like six attempts to finish it and the same number of setbacks, I finally got through all 89 minutes of it. It was worth it too. :)


Favorite Quotes:
Linus: Where did you get this??
Windows: *shrugs happily* My life partner Rogue Leader.

Zoe: That better be your lucky R2 poking me...

Hutch: What's the Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin"?



Also, my boyfriend is Windows' little brother. No joke.

DON'T DENY IT MICHAEL YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE!

break

Hooray for break?

Yes. Definitely yes.

But already I'm getting overscheduled. People, stop scheduling me!!! MY free time, NOT yours!

Yes, I do want to spend time with, yes, a lot of people. But I want to be spontaneous. I'm never allowed to be spontaneous anymore. :(

Without spontaneity, life is nothing more than a string of obligations.

Third Period

Whyyyyyyyyyy do I have so much stuff to do? And whyyyyyyyy am I choosing to ignore it? I'm in school right now, I have finished my assignment, and I am now free to do whatever I like. So I chose Blogger (still can't believe it isn't blocked!)

Something is most definitely wrong with me.

And it's going to be a LONG day.

NBC San Diego

It accepted my comment once I removed the word "piss". I hope those douchebags read it. And I hope they think about the lives lost that they've dismissed--that they don't even have the human decency to care about, or care for the people left behind.

NBC San Diego Commenters--FEEL MY FURY

After the recent death of a Veronica Aguirre, just one of a string of teenage deaths in alcohol related car accidents in the area, there has been a decent amount of news coverage on tv, radio, and online. Someone posted the link to this article on Facebook, and I think it's a good thing to look at if you have a minute. For those three or four people who read my blog regularly, I am sure that you will be as horrified as I at the comments on it.


This is the article, although it's not essential to the story. http://www.nbcsandiego.com/news/local-beat/Two-More-Teens-Die-in-Crashes-79115062.html


These are the comments left on the article.

"Accidents happen. More than 3 mil. people live here. Not to bad of odds."

"Yawn...why is this even news? Stupid chicks and their cell phones and texting texting addiction! It wouldn't surprise me if she was trying to text a friend while driving, and lost control of her car because her frick'n thumbs and fingers were too busy on her iPhone keypad! Idiots!"

"Why is it that teenagers have this need to make accident site visits a big event? Please shut up and don't tell me that it's part of their so-called "healing process", because that's a bunch of $h*t! The CHP should bill PUSD for using law enforcement resources for traffic control, so these stupid kids can hang out holding candles & $h*t! Every god*amned time one of these teen fatalities happens, it's always the same drill....build a frick'n shrine plastered with a bazzilion frick'n photos, helium ballons, ribbons, flowers, etc., then gather by the hundreds to just hang out and look at the frick'n shrine, than go home and learn absolutely nothing from the experience.....because most of these stupid kids will go right back to their drinking parties and driving while intoxicated!"

"Yeah, I agree. Half the Poway High School will crowd the mortuary at the service (most of whom who didn't even know this party tart chick), and getting all sucked into the sadness scenario. Like all of these teen funerals, it'll be some sappy song playing in the background like that Sara McGlaughlin tear-jerker, "I Will Remember You". Idiots!"


I was shocked, and I could not be more angry. What's worse, I wrote out a reply and the frickin site WOULD NOT LET ME POST IT. I don't know what the deal was, but I was awfully mad about that too. THANKFULLY, someone with some sense replied to those fucking assholes.

"I'm a former poway high student, and I honestly can't believe what i just read. I knew her and I can't even put into words how disgusted I am with whoever you are. Just because she was a teenager, doesn't mean she wasn't a human being with people who love and care for her, and are sad that she is gone. This person is a daughter, a sister, a friend, and an amazing person. You have no idea how this has affected the people here and of course there are people who will not learn from this, but so many will. You need to learn to keep your horrible opinions to yourself. This did just happen yesterday. It is clear to me you have never had any type of close friendship with any other person, or else you would have had more sympathy."


For ME, I will not feel right with myself until I have called out the desensitized bastards who think that it's no big deal a teenager died on Thursday night. I know that they'll never see it, but I want to post MY comment here.

"Wow. How insensitive can you get? NO ONE deserves to die at age 17. No brother deserves to lose a sister, no parent deserves to lose a child, no girl deserves to lose her best friend. These teens have made bad choices and they have paid for it. Obviously, to local teenagers it's not real until it happens to someone you know--that's how teenagers have been for decades and that's how they will probably be for years to come. As a student at Poway High School, I can tell you that this death has a HUGE impact on the student body. Don't you DARE piss away her death by saying "Stupid party tart chick, she should have known better." Yes, she made a mistake, and it cost her her life and caused the suffering of hundreds of people who loved her. But if we say "Big deal, another teen dead"--if we forget about Veronica, and Nieves, and Gerardo, and William, and Michael, and Alex--then more teens WILL die because they'll make the same mistakes. And those who have already paid for their mistakes will have done so in vain.

Rest in Peace, Veronica--Poway High misses you."

"Where there is much light, the shadow is deep"

Last night a well-loved senior from my graduating class died in a car accident. Today was the saddest day I have ever experienced--more heartbreaking even than the mood around me on September 11th.

Seeing everyone around me so upset was upsetting to me. I heard the story on the radio this morning, but they didn't say her name, only that she was a student in Poway. I knew I would hear something as soon as I arrived. I went to school thinking, "Who's it gonna be? Please don't let it be someone I love." It wasn't. But she was loved by many others. All the cheerleaders were gone from their classes today. The quad was the quietest it has ever been. In every class, people spoke in somber murmers, asking "Did you know her?" We literally did nothing in Spanish today but sit in our chairs--most of the class was silent for the entire hour. Hearing Heather starting to break down at the end of announcements really brought home the loss that everyone seemed to be feeling. In my Spanish teacher's classroom, there was a picture of her from our sophomore year's Homecoming Dance. I looked at it and saw that I didn't know her, but I recognized her then-boyfriend, who had graduated Class of 2008. It made me wonder--who will tell him that his ex-girlfriend is dead? How will he feel? What do the people who knew her do when they have lost touch with her, but still feel her loss? I'm sad for him, especially.

Whenever someone dies, people get a touch of perspective. They said on the news "The thing that she will be most remembered for is her smile" and I started thinking about what they would have said had it been someone else--Katie...Jennifer...Michelle...Patrick...Michael...me. That's what really made me cry. Everyone is vulnerable; no one is invincible. Life is so precious and people forget that. For the next few weeks, people will tell those important in their lives that they love them. Today, I called my mom to let her know that we got home okay, because it was raining and I had to drive. Tonight a candlelight vigil is being held in her honor at the high school. Her friends will still be mourning by the time we get back to school, but my guess is that people will soon be smiling in the quad again. It takes so little time to forget...and when we forget, people like her have died in vain. They're not sure if alcohol was involved in the accident, but it happened on a rainy night at one o'clock in the morning in a neighboring city--circumstances that she should not have found herself in. Death is a tragedy when it steals away the young. But perhaps some good can come of this. I hope that those who were close to her and those who hear her story will never fall victim to the situation that killed her. My heart goes out to her family and friends. Rest in peace, Veronica.

Thursday

"It must be Thursday. I never really got the hang of Thursdays."

Unlike Dent Arthur Dent (Douglas Adams=log and love!) I like Thursdays. I get two hours of biology, two hours of Spanish, half an hour of my friends arguing about politics and whose fault it is we didn't have pizza, and then I get to go home, have a little me time (or mommy and me time, like today) then go pick up my brother.

Today, I will also tutor for two hours and earn some money to fill up my gas tank. I like the kid and it's easy work so far--last week I basically sat there and read the entire time because he didn't need my help. And the income is nice.

Also, today, the cast list came out for the winter and spring plays. For my last high school play, I got the part I wanted and I am single cast. I got what I wanted and I don't even have to share!!! What a great way to end a high school acting career. I'll probably cry on closing night, though.

Then maybe tonight I'll talk philosophy with my boyfriend like we did a few nights ago--all in the interests of helping me gain insight to the Postmodern mindset and finishing my log. It's funny; when most people argue about the existance of god and the purpose of life, it's a fierce and angry debate, but we've been arguing the point as representatives of the belief, not as believers ourselves. I don't agree with all the opposing points, but I feel very much enlightened after those discussions and they always leave me with a stronger sense of what I believe. That's why I love reading Douglas Adams so much--I feel like everything is a metaphor that presents his views on purpose and god.

Then, I have to knit. I have a scarf and hat sale on Monday and I need to finish getting together my stock. It's looking pretty good so far, but I have a few more skeins I would love to make something pretty out of.

Maybe no one will ever get the hang of Thursdays. But this one has been pretty good to me. :)

happy anniversary

16 months. Not really a big important one or anything. But it's a year and a quarter I've spent with you as my better half. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I hope there are many more days like this one. Happy anniversary, boy of my dreams. :)

"how you think I don't know... But I do."

So periodically I go on my ex's facebook page and read his statuses. In just over a month, his statuses were about me four times. I don't know what to think of that. It bothers me that he's still so fixated though. It's been two years...why can't he move on? It's like...the fact that HE hasn't moved on keeps ME from completely moving on. I mean, I don't want to speak to him again, I don't want to be friends with him again, I don't love him or even care for him. But the fact that I can go on and SEE these things on his page makes me feel bad about myself, because I'M the reason he's still unhappy after so long. But I don't want to speak to him again because it won't do ME any good and I don't think it would help him any either--the only thing that would make him feel better would be to be friends with me again, and I don't want or need that in my life. It just...it bothers me.

"If I still could, I would call you right now and pour soul, but, for reasons mostly you I cannot and will not. Sad time, wish it wasn't..."

"I masochistically love looking at that picture... Sigh... Oh the little things."

"Oh people who blocked me on AIM; how you think I don't know who you are. But I do."

"Dear You-know-who-you-are: If you knew. If you only knew... I hope you're happy. And knowing how I spiraled you so, I got what I deserved."